It was bound to happen. After 250,000 kms and almost 14 years driving the roads and highways of beautiful British Columbia my beloved piece of shit car has finally kicked the bucket.
Well, it was not a sudden death, in fact I was able to drive it to Schnitzer Steel where it will be shredded into smithereens later tonight.
They will empty the gas tank and remove the battery but basically the entire car, including the engine, spare tire, and 13 years worth of memories will be devoured by an unforgiving car chewing monster.
This is what will happen to it:
I’m not sure if I could watch this happen to the Grumomobile without shedding a few tears, what a horrible and violent death.
In exchange for his little metallic body I’ll get $650 worth of car2go credits to zip around Vancouver.
All thanks to BC Scrap-it, a voluntary early retirement vehicle program that provides incentives to help British Columbians replace higher polluting vehicles with cleaner forms of transportation.
The story behind my little green piece of shit car
The green piece of shit car was born somewhere at a GM factory back in 1994 but our paths crossed for the first time near the end of the year 2000.
Lady driven and mint condition said the classified ad. 84,000 kms and for $5K it could be the first car I ever owned.
I had learned to drive standard on an identical car that belonged to my girlfriend at the time.
The only reason I needed a car was because Monday Jan 1st, 2000 was the first day of work; my first real job. The position, Junior Mechanical Designer of Engineered Wood Machinery.
The company Raute, was not reachable by public transportation hence the need to get a car.
I remember it bothered me a lot being forced by the circumstances to spend money on a green polluting bundle of plastic and metal.
Growing up I wanted to know everything about cars, so when I was 12 I read the entire Automotive Manual by Manuel Ariaz-Paz, a 1000 plus page brick of a book that explained in the utmost detail how cars worked inside out.
As a kid I looked forward to owning a car, driving it, learning how to change gears, imagining drifting corners like Carlos Sainz.
To my surprise, when the day came to own my own car I was not happy as I expected.
I had driven a bit before to get my driver licence and I had not enjoyed it a bit.
In the real world there are speed limits, drifting on corners is illegal and can be deadly, traffic jams suck the life out of you, insane reckless drivers are everywhere jeopardizing your existence, and everything you do with a car costs money.
It costs money to buy a car, to feed it, to take care of it, to repair it, to pay for the insurance, and in return all it wants to do is kill you the moment you become distracted.
A black hole for your finances and your survival, far from the liberating experience car manufacturers insist on selling us.
In my dreams I’ve always been able to fly unassisted by leaning forward a bit, it is tricky to maintain flight control but in some occasions I’ve been able to reach super sonic speeds.
In the real world I had to get a car, finances were not good so I searched for the cheapest possible car.
To this day I think the early nineties 3 cylinder Geo Metro is one of the best cars ever made.
It is versatile, small, easy to park, cheap to repair, cheap on gas, and fun to drive.
Yes, the small Geo Metro doesn’t have a good safety rating. Mine did not even have airbags, power steering, power windows, or power anything, but I was lucky and in 13 years I never had a single accident.
My Geo was towed countless of times, believe it or not I even got 2 speeding tickets.
Over its lifespan I probably spent more than twice its original price on parking tickets, towing fees, and oil changes.
The green piece of shit refused to die even with minimal maintenance.
I sworn to drive it until the day it exploded. In the end it did not explode, it was not an epic death.
It was a slow deterioration, buttons stopped working, actually I don’t think any button worked except for the lights, blinkers, and wipers.
Both windows did not close properly, the driver’s door handle was half broken and had a wire sticking out that would cut your fingers and make you bleed if you were not careful.
The fan had a mind of its own, it would go full on randomly and shit would fly out of the vents if it had been off for a while.
The rear wiper stopped working about 5 years ago, the windshield had so many scratches it was practically impossible to see through it when the sun light came through it at certain angle.
The brakes would pulsate when breaking going a speeds over 80 km/h. If I parked it outside on a rainy day it had trouble starting and the engine would choke and die every time I pressed the gas. This was particularly dangerous on left turns as it would suddenly choke when power was most needed.
For those of you that have owned an old beater all these faults and kinks should be familiar.
Yes, my Geo Metro was old, it was getting older, it showed its age, and it slowly died.
I decided to scrap it when a week ago it started burning oil like crazy. Most likely it was a failed valve or piston ring and to fix it would certainly cost more than the value of the car which was close to zero dollars.
I thought I could drive it like that until it seized or exploded, but the smoke was blinding drivers behind me so much it was starting to be a sputtering hazard.
But it did its job, took me from A to B, many times. Over a decade it served me well, transported me to work, shopping, to my friends and family. It was cheap, and I never had to worry about it.
The best part of owning a piece of shit car is being worry-free.
I never worried if it got scratched, or if I bumped it against a pillar, and it never got broken into (even burglars have higher standards).
About 4 months ago, I backed up into a telephone pole and crunched the driver’s front side panel. I was not upset, in fact, it did not bother me at all. I just thought it added more personality to the car, like war scars.
Now the crunched side panel had become a perfect target to kick at leisure without being afraid of damaging it because it was already damaged!
If mistreating, abusing, battering, and neglecting a car was a crime I’d be doing jail time right now, for sure. The truth is I really loved my piece of shit Geo, it was a shit with personality, it stood out like a sore thumb among all the newer dull coloured cars.
Countless memories and secrets will die with it tonight. Well, the memories will prevail for a while but I won’t have anything except some pictures, this article and the ignition key to remember it by.
13 years is a long time, almost a third of my life. I carried so many people and things with this car.
In it I drove girlfriends and friends that are no more in my life. When I was involved in the music video industry I got to drive famous artists and people like Aaron Pritchett and Nazanin Afshin-Jam in it.
In this music video by Dead Celebrity Status for their song “Somebody Turn the Lights Off” my Geo was chosen for the dishonourable role of broken down piece of shit car and it did an excellent job playing the part. Check it out right at the beginning of the video:
Tonight is the last night for my Geo Metro. It felt weird driving it to its final destination.
The GPS took me to about 300 meters from the scrap yard location but it seemed as though fate did not want me to scrap it.
Although I was right there I kept driving into dead end roads and construction sites blocking my way.
Was a mysterious force trying to stop me from assisting with the horrendous murder of this poor little car?
It took 30 agonizing minutes to reach the actual yard entrance and once again, without complaining the green piece of shit car took me from A to B.
This time however, B was more like Z, the last stop on its miserable vehicular life.
It smoked its way to the scrap yard but it did not stall, it did not beg for mercy. Does he have a soul? feelings? whatever my Geo has it’s getting shredded tonight and with it a little part of me will be forever gone.
Good-bye my adorable green piece of shit car. I’ll always remember you, please forgive me my dear 3 cylinder engineering blunder for I was bad to you when you were always so good to me. I hope in car heaven they give you unlimited free celestial paint polishes, tasty organic oil changes, and high efficiency solar panels to ride beautiful winding roads in the sky forever and ever.
R.I.P
1994-2013 Green Geo Metro
a.k.a. The Grumobile
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What it’s gone??? Ouch.. I will never forget you and that car, you had a special bond….
13 years is great life actually 19 years and old granny wasn’t a light driver for a senior. 84k damn I didn’t know you could do that much driving to the gas station, check the air, the grocery store and occasional bingo hall
It didn’t die you killed it